Autistic Regulation Isn’t Calm – It’s Connection
Most people think regulation only means being calm. They imagine stillness, quiet, and complete emotional neutrality. They assume a regulated autistic person is someone who looks peaceful, speaks softly, doesn’t move too much, and never shows intensity. But that’s not regulation - it’s performance. And many of us have spent a lifetime performing it.
Regulation isn’t (only) calm. Regulation is connection. It’s the state where our nervous system isn’t fighting for survival. It’s when we have access to ourselves again. It’s when we can reach for our needs and feel confident that someone will meet us halfway. It’s when our body and mind stop bracing long enough for us to actually inhabit ourselves. Calmness might sometimes appear within regulation, but it’s not the definition of it, and it’s definitely not the goal.
For autistic humans, regulation is about safety, predictability, rhythm, and relational trust. It’s about knowing we don’t have to monitor every word, every movement, every facial expression. It’s about being understood without having to translate our inner world into neuronormative language. In that sense, regulation is active, embodied, alive. It’s not the absence of emotion; it’s the presence of coherence.
This is why so many autistic people appear calm when we’re actually deeply dysregulated. Many of us learned young that it was safer to shut down than to melt down. Safer to smile quietly than to express distress. Safer to mask every cue of overwhelm than to risk judgement, anger, or rejection. Outward stillness often meant inner collapse.
Conversely, many of us look dysregulated when we’re actually fine. Excitement gets labelled hyperactivity. Passion gets labelled aggression. Directness gets labelled conflict. Animated movement gets labelled overstimulation. All because regulation has been defined through a neuronormative lens that prizes composure over truth.
